|
The Path © 1998 by: Cirse Windom
|
|
|
|
Harmfulness Needfulness Compassion ~ transcendence
|
|
‘whew.... only a hole.’ seeker thought. ‘only a hole.’
eventually, however, seeker began to consider his entrapment.
he rose and jumped at his confinement.
jumped again. and again, once more.
then seeker stood in his darkness ~ gripped by dread.
he slowly turned and, believing he had fallen into the dwelling of the ‘beast’.... believing he saw the shape of the ‘beast’.... stared into the murky abyss.
spinning back around, seeker lunged and frantically clawed at the earthen walls. he panted and grunted and believed his own breath to be that of the ‘beast’.
....clawed faster and deeper.... until finally resigning his self to defeat.
in this oddly euphoric state, seeker noticed along the walls of the hole, deep gouges rasped by many others who had blundered into the hole before him; and, seeker took slight comfort that he was not alone in his seemingly terrible misfortune.... which eased his fears of imminent demise.
seeker slumped against the wall, unable to truly accept his fate.
a fate which, because he still possessed great fear of the unknown, he was unable to truthfully comprehend.
seeker’s imagination created so great an evil ~ nurtured so great a fear ~ he was unable to even investigate the far reaches of his imprisonment.
seeker wondered how long he must wait until the ‘beast’ attacked and hoped another wanderer might soon fall in. ‘perhaps then, at least, the ‘beast’ won’t eat me first. perhaps if enough wanderers fall in, they’ll form so great a mound, i can climb out on top of them.’
‘perhaps.... if i could fly.’
seeker sat and continued to entertain improbable thoughts, which seemed ~ still steeped as he was in great fear ~ far more likely than seeker exploring either his fear or the hole its self.
as seeker waited, he grew increasingly impatient. impatient with the hole, with the ‘beast’, and with the other wanderers who refused to come and fall into the hole.
cautiously looking around, he thought miserably, ‘i hope i don’t have to just wait here.’
afraid he might enrage the ‘beast’, seeker had resisted a previous urge to yell for help, but impatience and aggravation finally won out.... and he decided to take a chance. “help.” he called out, timidly at first. “help.” he called a bit louder. finally seeker stood and, keeping his eyes fixed upon the opposite side of the hole, bellowed, “help me, i’m stuck down here!”
no response.
seeker slumped again, irked at the hole and the ‘beast’ and the others who now refused to come and hear his pleas for help.
but some one had heard his plea and eventually approached the hole. this person’s name was ‘harmful’.
harmful had just fallen into a hole, but finally managed ~ after much struggle ~ to claw out on his own.
harmful, in fact, had fallen in many holes.
though harmful shone no light, he came and looked over the edge ~ as if to see ~ and said, “this is your own fault. you’re so stupid.... you’ll always fall into holes. you deserve to fall into holes. you’ll never get out.”
and harmful walked on ~ defiant and angry at his darkness.
feeling defeated, seeker blamed his self for his perceived stupidity.... for his weakness.... his vulnerability. and while seeker accepted and kept harmful’s anger, harmful’s blame....
seeker relinquished hope of ever getting out.
seeker dwelt a long while on harmful’s blame and saw his self as victim to the wicked hole.
his every thought was consumed by harmful’s anger and his own perceived pathetic inabilities. in all seeker’s self sorrow ~ he had momentarily forgotten the ‘beast’.
pitying his self, seeker decided to share harmful’s blame with the hole.
‘stupid hole.’ seeker thought angrily. ‘if you hadn’t been here, i never would’ve fallen in and looked like such a fool.’
dissatisfied with blaming the hole, seeker elected to extend his anger to default.
‘if default hadn’t lost his light, i wouldn’t have fallen in this stupid hole anyway.’
it was a strangely comforting state of being. and there was a great deal of emotional disassociation ~ numbness ~ in being a victim and finding fault in others.... seemingly infinitely easier than taking responsibility for seeker’s own state of being. and so.... for a dark while....
seeker was content to loiter at the bottom of the hole.
“stupid hole.... stupid default.” seeker kicked the dirt, then stopped.... thinking he heard footsteps from above.
traveling with a group of wanderers, ‘needful’, attracted by seeker’s voice, came to stand above the hole.
needful hadn’t yet fallen into any holes, but he had heard of them and feared them greatly. so he progressed slowly, and only with a group who collectively shone light bright enough to feel safe within.
needful reassured his self that, if he ever had the bad luck to fall into a hole, at least some of the group would fall together ~ and some one would be nearby to help them out.
needful cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled into the hole. "i see there is a hole here.... is any one down there?"
at first, seeker was elated that some one had at last come upon him ~ but, feared looking like the fool he had come to believe he was. seeker feared he would be sure to receive greater blame and judgment ~ and believed he could never bear the perceived burden of those consequent emotions.
visited by guilt, seeker pressed his back against the hole in an effort to become invisible.
he tried desperately not to breath.... and waited for needful to go away.
needful cast the dimmest light into the hole, but certain he heard a voice, said with confidence, “i see you, i see you! how terrible you fell into a hole.... i’m so glad it wasn’t me! i’d like to help you, but every one else is walking on, and i have no choice but to follow and keep up. i’m afraid i might fall behind if i stop and help you right now, or worse.... i might fall in with you! maybe i can come back later, though.”
and needful hurried on to be with the others ~ fearful of his darkness.
seeker felt confused.... relieved, frustrated and angry all at once.
but a little hopeful that needful would return.
seeker was unsure, now, if he could be content as a victim ~ and growing increasingly impatient with his darkness, all seeker could think about was needful.
a slow realization took hold as seeker saw he was being as needful as needful.
then came the realization that needful would never return.
seeker knew needful would never leave the perceived safety of his group ~ not even request the entire group return. he would never ask that.... never insist that....
needful would be too afraid of potential rejection.
seeker paced around the bottom of the hole feeling helpless, frustrated, very angry with his situation ~ and eager to return to the path.
seeker began to believe he would never again trust another. that he could not.... should not trust.
eventually, a third person came upon the hole.
‘compassion’ had heard of holes, fallen in a few and wondered about them all.
compassion saw the depression with the illumination from her great light and came to see if the hole contained any captives.
with compassion’s light suddenly flooding the interior, seeker could clearly see a series of small, hand carved steps dug into the wall on the opposite side of the hole.
seeker climbed the steps and found his self freed ~ only to be captivated, once again.
this time.... by his release.
seeker expressed his gratitude to compassion who had now moved on along the path ~ inquisitive and cautious but unafraid.
seeker sat on the rim of the hole and hung his feet over the side, liberated from his fear of holes and knowing there was a way out ~ even in blindness.
seeker contemplated for a great while his reluctance to consider what some one before had done: examine his confinement and attempt to construct a means of escape. seeker felt ashamed of his willingness to be a victim. his willingness to be helpless, blind and fearful ~ blaming the hole as well as default for his situation.
and seeker was a little surprised to see that in embracing his pain, his fear ~ that in welcoming and embracing his hurt ~ there was less fear and a feeling of greater faith.
seeker realized, then, that his vulnerability could teach him of his own compassion....
and without the degree of trust seeker had placed in the motives of compassion, the potential of these lessons would still be unknown.
a sense of reawakening swept through his being, as he relinquished old notions of darkness, old perceptions of the path, old ideas of the journey which lay before him.
embracing new insights, seeker was relieved to discover the existence of realities other than those he seemingly knew or may be prepared to acknowledge.... relieved to discover that old perceptions could and should be re-examined with each new experience and evidence of other truths.
seeker thanked the hole for this great lesson and realized that while he was in the hole ~ although he had believed he had been trapped and confined ~ he had actually been continuing his journey....
and for the first time, seeker began to consider....
that
the path was as much within him
seeker stood ~ resolved to henceforth own, not the seeming participants of his situation, but his part in his situation ~ and therefore.... the whole of his situation.
he resolved to reject others’ anger and resist the urge to blame his self, as well as others.
with this knowledge.... came a soft glow from his light.
and
seeker turned away from the hole ~
|
|
Resentment and Retaliation ~ trust suspicion assumption blame denial |
|
|
Writing - Home The
Gift of Everlasting Cheer | Tide Pool
Surprise |
Can You See What I See |
|
|
All text and graphics on this page and within this website (aimsatyourservice.com) are copyrighted by Lisa Bracken and/or Cirse Windom 1995-2007, except as otherwise noted. All rights are reserved. Reproduction and distribution of any kind is strictly prohibited. Please visit the legal notices page to inquire about copyright, reprint and other issues. |