|
The Path © 1998 by: Cirse Windom
|
|
|
|
Mortality ~ loss and sorrow |
|
continually, seeker strove to discover the meaning within his dream of madness.
thought of it constantly ~ every movement, with every breath. with all his will, seeker strove to receive the lessons, the insight, intuition, wisdom and faith of all entities ~ so that he may discover the source, the reason for his purpose.
and with all his faith, seeker knew there was a source, there was a reason.
eventually, seeker saw a brilliant light far ahead. seeker calmly, carefully, quietly made his way toward the traveler and walked nearby. seeker came to the side of this traveler neither harmful, nor needful. he came simply to share and to learn, as an equal.
immediately seeker knew the traveler to be teacher, but at last....
seeker had come to the side of only.... his friend.
friend’s light was very bright. and although friend recognized ia’s companion also, neither felt compelled to speak. regarding one another with the solemn certainty known only among those of long and trusted association, the two walked in the welcome company of one another, comforted by the sure steady glow of the other and grateful for their reunion.
each could see just ahead and for them selves, each depression and tangle, each seeming boundary, and seeker relaxed and reveled in the chance to at last share with friend an equitable rhythm, a long sought steady anticipation and appreciation of each well considered footfall, each carefully considered motion, each revelation and faith in truth revealed. and like a distantly undulating pulse the two travelers brought a greater glow toward one another and upon the path they so cherished.
after a short while and without ceremony, friend slowed.... and finally stopped ~ and the light that had shone so brightly....
....gradually faded to dark.
and for seeker, the time had come, in a new and closer sense, to learn more of mortality. more of love and loss.
without the knowledge of expectation associated with refrain, grief freely enveloped seeker, and without desire to explain or comprehend, he simply stood.... receiving the great sense of sorrow which began instantly, then slowly and unstoppably filling him from the inside out, displacing his sense of peace and fulfillment with the unfamiliar combination ~ the strangely hollow yet heavy weight of uncertainty, disbelief, helplessness, regret, vulnerability and loneliness.
steadily, seeker felt his self fill, as fuller and fuller rose the tide of daunting emotion ~ seeker, less and less able to consciously respond ~ until, filled beyond capacity, seeker’s slowly built structure of stable and secure reliability, seeker’s dam of reason and reserve allowed beyond its shores, the invisible, widely dispersing flow of love’s loss.... and seeker wept, beyond the ability to hold the tears of that sorrow. wept as if he had been swept inside out by that suddenly gushing wave.
embracing wholly his loss, missing deeply his trusted companion.... desiring for friend only peace and love.... and missing for his self the opportunity to be near the source of such wondrous acceptance.... seeker wept not knowing where or how to stop the source of his sadness.
silently mourning from the depth of his being.... seeker fought loneliness and struggled to nurture, instead, gladness for the chance to have known friend ~ the chance to have walked with him, shared with him.
seeker felt selfish that he desired so greatly some means of retaining some sense of friend, unable to simply allow friend’s complete and unrestricted release.... felt a great sadness, a kind of regret that he would not again experience the warmth of friend’s hands, the sight of friend’s expressions, the sound of friend’s encouraging, contemplative and gentle tone. and seeker realized at once the heavy loss so closely associated with our sensual regard of those and all we love.
seeker searched in the darkness, but there was no evidence, no vestige of presence, no thing that seeker could claim and cherish ~ which once found and held would ease seeker’s desperate feeling of emptiness.... no even infinitesimal yet lasting remnant of all that friend had meant.
reaching about, seeker recalled friend’s face and what sort of expression ia might show if ia were to see seeker now.
almost instantly a profound sense of peace came over seeker, as he felt friend reach over, take his searching hand and without words look into seeker’s eyes and share his sorrow. understanding. without question or judgment, nurturing seeker’s response and greater knowledge from it.... understanding and allowing seeker to gradually, in seeker’s own time, accept.
and in that recognition of what might have been, as if it truly were, and thus suddenly ~ truly became.... seeker was given to cradle, for as long he desired, the delicate being and fragile magic of memory. given to hold and cherish friend’s memory, a part of seeker ever more.
and seeker realized that the intimate knowledge of another, granted only to those able to regard without expectation, allowed for a kind of immanent presence of that being, a gracious presence replete with every mannerism seeker recalled about friend and every unanticipated response. and in that way, seeker saw that friend was still present, able to share with seeker as ia always had, able to show and share with seeker sides of seeker’s self, illuminated by the presence alone of friend's memory.
accepting friend’s physical absence, by way of nurturing the memory of friend’s being and seeker’s knowledge of transformation, seeker was able to regain the clarity of tended reason, accept and nurture as well, the knowledge that friend was differently integrating within the circle and within seeker in a way not before possible. and as seeker felt more and more able to allow friend’s departure as equally as friend’s new presence within seeker, he became increasingly glad for friend’s new adventure, knowing that friend would revel in the chance to participate in a new way with the path they had both strove so long to fully regard.
seeker, able to at last and more carefully consider those emotions initially associated with his sense of loss, pondered regret.
he was happy that friend had been content to fill ia’s fleeing moment with, among others’ presence.... seeker’s also.
seeker considered his own regret and realized that although he might desire to have known better and sorrowed for any suffering brought about by his ignorance ~ he had been and was now at each turn, bound by his growing recognition of self and of his truth.
and seeker felt grateful for his existence.... for his gracious many lessons.... knowing that he would always carry with him as a part of him ~ the sorrow of his transgressions, the joy of and gratitude for awareness enough to have noticed, appreciated and grown full from all that life had thus far presented.
then, the sense of absence from the transformation of friend inspired seeker to once again contemplate mortality. this time, his own.
again, seeker considered his purpose and wandered slowly on, deliberately, more definitely in search of his truth. and seeker asked:
‘has my need become my destiny....’ ‘has my destiny become my need....’ ‘and, what beginning shall mark my end?’
|
|
|
Writing - Home The
Gift of Everlasting Cheer | Tide Pool
Surprise |
Can You See What I See |
|
|
All text and graphics on this page and within this website (aimsatyourservice.com) are copyrighted by Lisa Bracken and/or Cirse Windom 1995-2007, except as otherwise noted. All rights are reserved. Reproduction and distribution of any kind is strictly prohibited. Please visit the legal notices page to inquire about copyright, reprint and other issues. |