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The Path © 1998 by: Cirse Windom
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Self-Recognition ~ |
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just as seeker had been in the first hole which held him.... just as seeker had been many times since ~ he, once again, was visited by guilt.
this time, seeker sought very hard to examine guilt’s source....
to explain the welling dread within and his need to defend against its recognition.
seeker realized, in exposing his identity to the group of disciples, he had seemingly subdued his fear of alienation.
walking slowly, seeker spoke aloud.
“i was not seeking idolization when i came forth. i was seeking to guide ~ and only that. to selflessly guide others who had come to be lost. why then this guilt? this punishment of my self?”
seeker wandered on, debating.... waging his war within. feeling torn apart by the inner conflict, seeker desperately sought to explain his resistance to accepting guilt.
“perhaps the guilt i am feeling is not from my recent deed, but from my prior weakness.... which inevitably lead to my slow reclamation of self and desire to share with others.”
“yes!” seeker abruptly stopped and shouted.
“i cannot face the self depreciation of such an evident and misguided choice. that’s it.”
seeker stood addressing his self as though he were three separate entities ~ recognizing the three seemingly separate forces within.
continuing his conversation, seeker assumed with assurance, the character ~ the persona of his guilt.
“so then....” guilt began, “you erred greatly ~ and for this there could be no greater punishment, no greater judgment than that brought about by your own admission of guilt!”
seeker stepped aside and assumed the character and persona of his ego.
“ah yes....” ego said, with even greater assurance. “but i shall not take responsibility ~ i shall not, because i am wounded by such a recognition.”
“so.... i shall deny the guilt!”
seeker was becoming excited now that he had identified the source of his conflict.
from left to right seeker stepped, then back again, waving about and shouting, dramatically executing the debate before several fascinated wanderers who had now begun to gather.
guilt spoke again, “but what you fail to see, ego, is that i and jealousy, greed, doubt, humility, hatred, shame, and other depreciating emotions ~ even false appreciating emotions like inflated self pride ~ can work concertedly to bring you forth!”
ego, jumping to the side, grew confused and hysterical, and seeker suddenly railed frightening the onlookers.
“you do not control me! i am the ego! i am the self! no one, no thing can control me!”
seeker stepped confidently to the side as guilt assumed a tone of knowing calm. “oh yes.... i and all the others.... we are the tools of fear. fear is insecurity.”
“insecurity and ego. these are the self.”
“we are the mechanisms employed so you, ego, can emerge ~ attempting to negate insecurity, attempting to protect the self.”
“you.... ego.... you are not the only means of self protection. in fact, you benefit i and all the other mechanisms in your valiant attempts at protecting the self.”
“for, you see, as long as i or the others can trigger you into action, the self is never allowed to face his own insecurities ~ to face his self.”
seeker jumped instantly again to one side; for, ego ~ with or without just cause ~ was quick to defend.
enraged, ego stammered, spat and leered.... but unable to think of a viable argument, stood speechless.
moving slowly and confidently to center front, self spoke next. “thank you, guilt, for attempting to finally clarify your presence. until now, i was unable to recognize the many mechanisms of my own self protection.”
self continued. “yes, guilt and some of the other emotions, as devises of fear.... and ego, as the great defender.... can build me up or tear me down. but your influence is ultimately controlled by me. i alone have the ability to choose whether i’ll allow all of you to trigger and shield my fear.... or acknowledge and assume responsibility for it my self.”
“i don’t deny that both fear and ego are within me. i don’t deny that depreciating emotions are triggered by fear and that fear can trigger ego. i don’t deny that at such times i am often unwilling and so, am unable to see my vulnerabilities. but, i do deny that is all there is of me. i deny i am unable to transcend that self depreciating trap.”
“for, deepest within me is the faith and ability to accept and embrace weakness.”
“to, without self blame, acknowledge my fear and pain.”
“and, through transcendence of either my perceptions of self, and or my perceptions of situation ~ build my self stronger.”
guilt and ego stood grumbling, but momentarily subdued, as self enjoyed his long awaited and tremendous victory. they brooded in silent union with every other mechanism.... and, awaiting the arrival of doubt, prepared to seize the next available opportunity to gain control over the self.
they would be, as they had always been, an ever present, ever engaging potential threat.... demanding acknowledgment and resolution every moment of seeker’s existence.
seeker moved forward a step. “fear.... ego....”
seeker held his hands skyward, then lay his palms across his chest.
“the
finest, truest, whollest self....
seeker stood, the subject of great rounds of applause from a delighted audience, then bowed graciously having thoroughly enjoyed his own performance.
recognizing like never before the mechanisms of insecurity and one’s need to protect one’s self from self blame or the perceived judgment of others, seeker reflected upon his experiences ~ and saw that in both his self and others, fear or insecurity could manifest both false reverence or condemnation toward either one’s self or others.
seeker recognized fear to be rooted in the instinct of insecurity which teacher had spoken of: the need to defend or protect the self from either attack or deprivation. he saw that such need could manifest its self in both physical greed as well as emotional insecurity.
and that as long as one was preoccupied with protecting one’s insecurities, guarding against such potential vulnerability, one couldn’t always think first of another individual ~ which inevitably impaired compassion and thoughtfulness.
seeker saw that in such efforts at self protection, one could construct a fortress, behind which one might feel shielded from the onslaught of blame or doubt often hurled as weapons by others. but, paradoxically, from behind the same wall, one would be unable to recognize their own imprisonment. because of their constant fear of facing fear, they would be unable to see them selves ~ be truly vulnerable to their fear of vulnerability.
‘what
an ironic tragedy....’ seeker thought. ‘both the love of self and the love of another.’
grateful for such recognition and realizing how carefully concealed such truths often were, seeker vowed to never again shame his self for possessing or recognizing his ego or insecurities. at last, and clearly seeing the need and reason for them, he knew that they were not always opposed to the best interests of the self.
seeker also realized, however, the potential for his own loss of self in not admitting to fear and ego’s potential control when acting against his efforts at self recognition.... when acting against his efforts at spiritual growth. and, seeker also saw their potential for the destruction of others, at such times.
seeker’s own potential for the destruction of others.
he felt great sadness that one who strove consistently for greater awareness was as equally subject to the effects of insecurity and ego as any other ~ but felt equally empowered that he had at last learned to recognize and subdue their influence.
doubting his purpose no longer and embracing his self ~ weakness and strength, wholly....
for the first time, seeker felt love.
seeker realized he had disregarded, even denied for a time, his guiding spirit and the gift of his destiny. for his light, seeker felt he now owed a great debt. a great debt for his truth forsaken.
as seeker wandered into darkness, he saw his inner light had grown to once again shine outwardly ~ his perpetual fire and faith within.
thinking of his circumstances, his consequences.... seeker was grateful that he was faithful to the honesty and courage ~ the honor necessary to seek and nurture insight.
seeker resolved to travel with even greater determination than before.
a determination to identify and claim ownership of his insecurities, recognize and manage the potential control of the daunting and intricate emotions which rallied ego to the fore.
thusly, he learned to readily recognize the subtle interplay of guilt upon fear and the influence of fear upon guilt.
seeker welcomed every opportunity to interact; for, seeker found the key to motivation in reaction ~ and initially, within seeker’s motives, he often found fear and need.... the elusive mechanisms for managing his ever present ego.
seeker learned to embrace emotions ~ all emotions, of every one. and, whether expressing his own emotions outwardly, seeker learned to know them within his self, to accept them as bringers of truth. and to each one seeker listened closely.
because of this new insight, seeker wondered of emotion and pondered: ‘could one be without insecurity?’
he had known wanderers to be so seemingly secure within them selves as to be arrogant.
such wanderers could be thoughtless of others and seemed at times to lack compassion.
‘what of these wanderers?’ seeker wondered. ‘must compassion be learned? is it innate?’
seeker considered the many wanderers he had known, and seeker considered his self as well. ‘arrogance is ignorance.... ignorance of potential fallibility.’
‘a society.... any society of two beings, beings of similar or differing nature, can revive a sense of insecurity in the other. by virtue of their interaction, an awareness will be brought about of the other’s perspective ~ and certainly through at least errors of assumption based upon egocentricity ~ a sense of inner fallibility will arise.... resulting either in oppression or compassion toward the self and or the other being.’
‘surely then, as instinct, insecurity must be innate, but can be buried through ignorance of and inflated pride toward one’s self in relation to others.’
‘our relations with others then, and emotions arising from them, could teach us of our insecurity ~ even in one who seems to possess none.’
seeker’s new perspective taught him to no longer fear the sense of failure often associated with perceived mistakes; for, seeker saw the sense of failure as a self made opportunity to assess one’s effort or lack of effort. an opportunity for learning, greater awareness and evolution.
although seeker strove to fill his self with emotion and reaction, and challenged his self to recognize the influence of fear upon his feelings, sometimes an emotion was so great and overwhelming, seeker’s fear so powerful ~ so completely a distraction ~ as to seemingly blind seeker to fear’s influence.
seeker then relied upon the ways in which ego influenced his outward behavior, indicating the presence of fear, indicating an opportunity to embrace his self honestly and transcend or change either his self perceptions or whatever situation was causing him to react.
in this, seeker continued nurturing and building his faith and love of self, his faith and love of others ~ and the omni-presence of his now intense light.
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Writing - Home The
Gift of Everlasting Cheer | Tide Pool
Surprise |
Can You See What I See |
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All text and graphics on this page and within this website (aimsatyourservice.com) are copyrighted by Lisa Bracken and/or Cirse Windom 1995-2007, except as otherwise noted. All rights are reserved. Reproduction and distribution of any kind is strictly prohibited. Please visit the legal notices page to inquire about copyright, reprint and other issues. |